Deus ex Machina
by genkakusalvo
Summary: Alice wants to be an only child. Rated M for violence and character death. Not canon in any way shape or form.


Deux ex Machina, a _Twilight_ parody/fanfiction

It was a day as any other was in the quaint little town of Forks, constantly put upon by the clouds ready to deposit precipitation on anyone who defied the gods and walked outdoors without an umbrella. And someone had just died.

Inside a janitor's closet filled by mops, old soap containers, and open pornographic magazines, the head of a rough but handsome boy rolled along with raggedly mop heads. Meanwhile, a girl with messy black hair and a graceful manner of carrying herself was lapping up the blood from the boy's neck. Emmet Cullen's eyes glared blindly upwards as his body was desecrated by his grinning sister, Alice Cullen. She snickered and dropped the body, realizing that her next target would escape without prompt action.

Once out in the light drizzle (teachers wondered at her bloody clothing, but she ignored this for the time being; with what she had done her family would have to leave town no matter what action she took now) she turned towards the parking lot. Her eyes narrowed to the gray horizon, where a silver Volvo was screeching into high gear. Legs kicking into action, she lowered her body into a sprinter's crouch and easily gained on the Volvo, thinking the exact opposite of what she intended to do. And so when the Volvo's driver pulled suddenly right, thinking that she was about to attack left, she was there, opening the door and taking the passenger seat, within a few rainy seconds. Alice grinned at her inhumanly handsome older brother, Edward Cullen, while her brother and sister, Jasper and Rosalie, gaped from the backseat. Wanting to savor Edward the most, Alice climbed back and tore her fingers into Rosalie's throat and tore off her head, simultaneously reaching into Jasper's chest and ripping out his heart. Blood and blood vessels sprayed everywhere, and Alice extended her tongue to catch some.

Edward stopped the car suddenly, sending it crashing off the road and into a ditch, rolling over and over turning the landscape into a sickening green kaleidoscope. Alice ripped off the door and leaped out, Edward doing the same. Before he could react, even knowing from her thoughts what she was about to do, she had punctured both of his eyes, torn off his ears, and crushed his nose, depriving him of his senses. As Edward floundered around, Alice snickered and proclaimed, mockingly, "So this is the strength of the great lovebird, huh Edward?" Then she realized that he could not hear her (she regretted hastily crushing his auditory passages), and thought the words instead.

"Don't think I liked what you did, playing around with that human. I'm sure father praised you and all, but you're not a real vampire, you know. Just an idiot who swallowed all of father's lies." Edward moaned questioningly, or so it seemed to Alice, who at that moment was contemplating whether the pain was too great to allow him to speak.

"Carlisle was conducting research, seeing how long vampires could live without blood. But not so that he could be a pacifist, no. It was for the Volturi, so that we could learn how to find an alternative to blood. Then we could expand our numbers and wipe humanity off of the planet for good. Wouldn't that be nice?"

"You're insane!" screamed Edward. "That's not what Carlisle's like at all!" Alice laughed, her voice a musical waterfall of sadistic derision.

"But he is, and he's succeeded." Edward stopped trying to interrupt. "Which means we're free to go. And in case you're wondering why I'm keeping you alive, well it's for one reason only. I'm gonna kill Bella in front of you. I guess we'll see how masochistic you are then, huh, lion?" Alice removed heavy iron stakes from her pocket and nailed Edward to a rock.

And then she found Bella, and took her there. Edward's last thoughts were those of his lover as she was slowly drained of all the blood in her body. Alice's thoughts, as she finished killing Edward, were all about how she was going to finally be an only child. And really, all in all it was another ordinary day in Forks.


End file.
